I just want my girlfriend.
I can’t handle all this and I just need them.
I completely dissociated for probably about 2 hours today and came back sitting on my roof in a puddle crying. I’m so scared. I ended up on my roof. I left my apartment. I’ve never done that before and I am terrified. I couldn’t have hurt myself. This isn’t how I usually am. This isn’t what happens. I have no idea what is going on and some advice would be great.
My mental health is deteriorating rapidly here. I don’t know if I’ve ever been like this. I’m dissociating frequently and for longer periods of time. I’m taking my heavy dose sleep medication and staying wide awake. I don’t want to move or do anything. Nothing feels real. I’m so depressed. I’ve completely given up hope on so much of my future. I’m just getting more and more concerned. It’s 5:30 in the morning. I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time in 3 days. And no more than 4 hours in a day. I’m taking 2 mg on klonopin every night in addition to 1.5 mg during the day. And a few times .5 of Ativan. I’m not tired. I’m worried I’m manic but I actually just feel like shit. I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like I should just spend every ounce of energy helping other people because I’m not worth taking care of.
I know these posts are obnoxious, but I thought it might be interesting to people who are super strapped for cash. I joined one of those survey sites, this one has the super classy title of “SquishyCash” haha but I only joined yesterday and you can cash out after $15 and I’m currently at $14.65, which is cool, I have a bunch pending, so I’ll probably be able to put the $15 in my account tonight, though it takes a few days to process. It’s obviously not much, but it will go to buying my next 24 pack of ramen. There is some sorting through to find survey’s and trials that you can cancel immediately, but it’s pretty easy and has been a pretty chill way to waste time.
Anyways: you get credits for referrals (a dollar per person who actually uses the site) so if you want to try it out, the site (with my referral) is
note: the proper reaction to someone buying you a ticket to see their show is not to be sobbing on your couch 15 minutes before you want to leave.
- Rule #1, always post the rules.
- Rule #2, answer the questions the person who tagged you asked, then write 11 new ones.
- Rule #3, tag 11 people then link them in the post.
- Rule #4, tell them you tagged them.
- Rule #5, tell the person that tagged you when you’ve answered the question.
thank you to the beautiful temperants for tagging me and giving me something to do while I wait to skype with my girlfriend
1. tell me your favorite story about a dog/cat/pet, yours or not yours.
I had a dog, Magenta, for 17 years and she was perfect; she was my little fluffy confidante my entire life. When we would be out of the house for more than like 6 hours, when we got home, Magenta would have gone into the rooms upstairs and brought down my teddy bear and a stuffed animal of my sisters and cuddle with them on the floor.
2. what age are you most looking forward towards being and why?
This question scares me. Aging scares me. Living scares me.
3. what is one memory you have that gives you immediate warm fuzzies upon recollection?
First date with Ness. I was so nervous the entire time and did weird things but it all worked out and now I can laugh at how awkward I am.
4. if you were required to get a tattoo, what would it be?
I have many wants. Next would be my wrists probably. I want the ED recovery symbol on my left wrist and the word “recovery” on my right wrist in my brother’s handwriting.
5. what’s the most frustrating part of your daily routine?
6. if you could look endlessly into the past or endlessly into the future which would you pick?
7. what is your favorite smell?
Rosemary and mint.
8. if you had to say goodbye to facebook forever or microsoft word forever which would you pick?
microsoft word. There are google docs. and Open Office.
9. if you could only go see one band/artist/ensemble perform for the rest of your life (keep in mind they are aging too) who would it be?
Probably the decemberists. I go in and out of liking bands and they’re a band I have never gone through a phase of being “done with”
10. what is your utopia? what does it look like?
I would be able to breathe comfortably. It is loving and compassionate and understanding.
11. if you had to re-live one year of your life without being able to make any changes, which would it be?
I don’t think I have one. If I had to pick one, it would probably be this one. Just keeps getting better, right?
My questions for my beautiful people: metaphysicalfallacies smeagolden hannyanny janeaustenismyhomeboy dundermiffled beautifuloddity kayleeismysoulowl kayethepterodactyl youngerthanmytongue spliffss ishowerwithcats
1. What made you decide to actually do this? What are you avoiding?
2. What does your bed look like when you’re going to sleep? What do you sleep with in your bed?
3. You have to become a public school teacher, what grade do you teach?
4. What’s your best “worst ex” story?
5. What are three things on your must watch/read list?
6. Flash forward 20 years, what does your house/apartment look like? Where is it?
7. What’s one embarrassing story that people love to tell about you?
8. What’s your relationship to religion? How has it changed, how did you get here?
9. What’s one thing, in the next 30 days, that you would set a countdown for?
10. Don’t you wish you could just answer these questions without having to come up with your own?
11. What’s something about you that makes you feel childish?
body part asks.
- eyes: nine celebrity crushes.
- ears: eight favorite songs.
- nose: seven favorite scents.
- mouth: six favorite quotes.
- heart: five people you love in this or any other world.
- hands: four things you've created that you're proud of.
- stomach: three comfort foods.
- knees: two things that make you go weak in the knees.
- feet: one thing you want to accomplish in life.